Nothing so alters a person as learning you have a terminal illness.
Ronni Bennett, who writes a popular , discovered that recently when she heard that cancer had metastasized to her lungs and her peritoneum (a membrane that lines the cavity of the abdomen).
There is no cure for your condition, Bennett was told by doctors, who estimated she might have six to eight months of good health before symptoms began to appear.
Right then and there, this 77-year-old resolved to start doing things differently 鈥� something many people might be inclined to do in a similar situation.
No more extended exercise routines every morning, a try-to-stay-healthy activity that Bennett had forced herself to adopt but disliked intensely.
No more watching her diet, which had allowed her to shed 40 pounds several years ago and keep the weight off, with considerable effort.
No more worrying about whether memory lapses were normal or an early sign of dementia 鈥� an irrelevant issue now.
No more pretending that the clich茅 鈥渨e鈥檙e all terminal鈥� (since death awaits all of us) is especially insightful. This abstraction has nothing to do with the reality of knowing, in your gut, that your own death is imminent, Bennett realized.
鈥淚t colors everything,鈥� she told me in a long and wide-ranging conversation recently. 鈥淚鈥檝e always lived tentatively, but I鈥檓 not anymore because the worst has happened 鈥� I鈥檝e been told I鈥檓 going to die.鈥�
No more listening to medical advice from friends and acquaintances, however well-intentioned. Bennett has complete trust in her medical team at Oregon Health & Science University, which has treated her since diagnosing pancreatic cancer last year. She鈥檚 done with responding politely to people who think they know better, she said.
And no more worrying, even for a minute, what anyone thinks of her. As Bennett wrote in a , 鈥淎ll kinds of things 鈥� fall away at just about the exact moment the doctor says, 鈥楾here is no treatment.鈥欌��
Four or five times a day, a wave of crushing fear washes through her, Bennett told me. She breathes deeply and lets it pass. And no, psychotherapy isn鈥檛 something she wants to consider.
Instead, she鈥檒l feel whatever it is she needs to feel 鈥� and learn from it. This is how she wants to approach death, Bennett said: alert, aware, lucid. 鈥淒ying is the last great adventure we have 鈥� the last bit of life 鈥� and I want to experience it as it happens,鈥� she said.
Writing is, for Bennett, a necessity, the thing she wants to do more than anything during this last stage of her life. For decades, it鈥檚 been her way of understanding the world 鈥� and herself.
In a notebook, Bennett has been jotting down thoughts and feelings as they come to her. Some she already has shared in a series of about her illness. Some she鈥檚 saving for the future.
There are questions she hasn鈥檛 figured out how to answer yet.
鈥淐an I still watch trashy TV shows?鈥�
鈥淗ow do I choose what books to read, given that my time is finite?
鈥淲hat do I think about rationale suicide?鈥� (Physician-assisted death is an option in Oregon, where Bennett lives.)
Along with her 鈥淚鈥檓 done with that鈥� list, Bennett has a list of what she wants to embrace.
Ice cream and cheese, her favorite foods.
Walks in the park near her home.
Get-togethers with her public affairs discussion group.
A romp with kittens or puppies licking her and making her laugh.
A sense of normalcy, for as long as possible. 鈥淲hat I want is my life, very close to what it is,鈥� she explained.
Deep conversations with friends. 鈥淲hat has been most helpful and touched me most are the friends who are willing to let me talk about this,鈥� she said.
, she has invited readers to 鈥渁sk any questions at all鈥� and made it clear she welcomes frank communication.
鈥淚鈥檓 new to this 鈥� this dying thing 鈥� and there鈥檚 no instruction book. I鈥檓 kind of fascinated by what you do with yourself during this period, and questions help me figure out what I think,鈥� she told me.
Recently, a reader asked Bennett if she was angry about her cancer. No, . 鈥淓arly on, I read about some cancer patients who get hung up on 鈥榳hy me?鈥� My response was 鈥榳hy not me?鈥� Most of my family died of cancer and, 40 percent of all Americans will have some form of cancer during their lives.鈥�
Dozens of readers have responded with shock, sadness and gratitude for Bennett鈥檚 honesty about subjects that usually aren鈥檛 discussed in public.
鈥淏ecause she鈥檚 writing about her own experiences in detail and telling people how she feels, people are opening up and relaying their experiences 鈥� things that maybe they鈥檝e never said to anyone before,鈥� Millie Garfield, 93, a devoted reader and friend of Bennett鈥檚, told me in a phone conversation.
Garfield鈥檚 parents never talked about illness and death the way Bennett is doing. 鈥淚 didn鈥檛 have this close communication with them, and they never opened up to me about all the things Ronni is talking about,鈥� she said.
For the last year, Bennett and her former husband, Alex Bennett, have broadcast video conversations every few weeks over YouTube. (He lives across the country in New York City.) 鈥淲hat you鈥檝e written will be valuable as a document of somebody鈥檚 life and how to leave it,鈥� he as they talked about her condition with poignancy and laughter.
Other people may have very different perspectives as they take stock of their lives upon learning they have a terminal illness. Some may not want to share their innermost thoughts and feelings; others may do so willingly or if they feel other people really want to listen.
During the past 15 years, Bennett chose to live her life out loud through her blog. For the moment, she鈥檚 as committed as ever to doing that.
鈥淭here鈥檚 very little about dying from the point of view of someone who鈥檚 living that experience,鈥� she said. 鈥淭his is one of the very big deals of aging and, absolutely, I鈥檒l keep writing about this as long as I want to or can.鈥�
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