SEATTLE 鈥� Carlos Romero鈥檚 apartment is marked with remnants from his former life: a giant television from his days playing World of Warcraft and a pair of jeans the width of an easy chair. The remnants of that time鈥攚hen he weighed 437 pounds鈥攎ark his body too: loose, hanging skin and stretch marks.
鈥淚 lift weights and work out and work hard, but there鈥檚 lasting damage,鈥� said Romero.
Carlos Romero and girlfriend Kate Rowe sit down for a meal that they cooked together at Romero鈥檚 apartment in Seattle (Photo by Mike Kane/NPR).
Yet for all the troubles he had dating when he was obese鈥攁ll those unanswered requests on dating web sites鈥攕hedding weight left him uneasy about how much to reveal.聽 鈥淚f you were to say to someone on the first date, 鈥業 lost 220 pounds,鈥� you鈥檙e indicating that you had a very serious issue at one point and that you may still have that issue,鈥� he said. 鈥淪o it鈥檚 not something I put on a dating profile because I don鈥檛 want people to judge me for it.鈥�
Indeed, the stigma of obesity is so strong that it can remain even after the weight is lost. Holly Fee, a sociologist at Bowling Green State University, has conducted some of the only research on dating attitudes toward the formerly obese. In 2012, Fee in the journal Sociological Inquiry.
She found that potential suitors said they would hesitate to form a romantic relationship with someone who used to be heavy. 鈥淭he big dragging factor in why they had this hesitation in forming this romantic relationship was that they believed these formerly obese individuals would regain their weight,鈥� Fee said.
The prevailing belief is that people who have never been obese can control their weight, and those who鈥檝e been heavy have less will power, said , a psychology professor and the director of clinical services at the Center for Weight and Eating Disorders at the Perelman School Medicine at the University of Pennsylvania. He said the physicians and the general public tend to think that obesity is 鈥渁 moral failing, and that they can鈥檛 push away from the table.鈥�
Romero once weighed 437 pounds. He is still self-conscious about how much he shares about his weight loss (Photo by Sarah Varney/KHN).
For men and women who have lost a significant amount of weight, fears about excess, hanging skin can hold them back from dating and being intimate. Health insurance almost never pays for costly plastic surgery to correct the problem which can be uncomfortable and embarrassing.
鈥淚 think they can be particularly self-conscious about this issue and be worried about the first time the partner sees them undressed,鈥� Sarwer said. 鈥淗ow are they going to respond? Are they going to be grossed out? Are they not going to want to have sexual intimacy with them a second time?鈥�
But it wasn鈥檛 sex or romance that sparked the big change in Carlos Romero two years ago. That鈥檚 when, at age 28, he was diagnosed with muscular dystrophy. Romero knew if he didn鈥檛 lose weight, his condition could worsen quickly. He stopped eating pizza, Ramen noodles and Dr. Pepper and began exercising. Then, a year ago, after he dropped a number of jean sizes, he tried Internet dating again. Romero updated his old profiles and pictures and started sending out messages.
鈥淚t was amazing at the time,鈥� he said. 鈥淭he girls that I was like, 鈥業鈥檒l never hear back from this girl. And then I鈥檇 hear back from them, and I was like, 鈥楬oly crap! This is so different.鈥� It felt like a whole other world 聽had opened up.鈥�
Now, Romero spends many nights on dates with his new girlfriend, Kate Rowe. They met on OkCupid.com after he sent her a message. 鈥淚 saw, 鈥楥arlos a new message,鈥欌�� Rowe recalled. 鈥淎nd he鈥檚 into climbing and I read his profile and I was like, 鈥榃hy not? I have nothing to lose.鈥欌�� It didn鈥檛 hurt that he looked 鈥渟moldering and broody鈥� in his picture, she says.
At age 28 he was diagnosed with muscular dystrophy and decided to lose weight to help his condition (Photo by Mike Kane/NPR).
Their third date happened to be Romero鈥檚 30th birthday party, and he decided to tell Rowe about his massive weight loss, which he thought could be 鈥渁 potential deal breaker.鈥� 鈥淚 don鈥檛 want to like this girl any more than I already do without having her know,鈥� he remembers thinking. 鈥淚 said, 鈥業 have to tell you this thing. Please don鈥檛 judge me.鈥欌��
Romero knew the risk he was taking. He thought, 鈥淲hat if she doesn鈥檛 want to be anywhere near me?鈥� Instead of being repulsed, though, Rowe said she was inspired by his hard work and commitment to good health.
If she had seen Romero鈥檚 old profile, back when he was bigger, she probably would not have responded, she says. But now, he was in to rock climbing and being active, and they have things in common.
For Carlos, there are still physical and psychological hurdles to being in love. It鈥檚 difficult for him to be intimate. He says shyly, 鈥淪he鈥檚 seen everything.鈥� And when he looks in the mirror, he still sees a 400 pound man. His mind hasn鈥檛 quite caught up to his body.
This story is drawn from reporter Sarah Varney鈥檚 new book 鈥�